Friday, May 06, 2016

9 Months Old & Mother's Day

I honestly don't know where the past 9 months have gone! Our days are filled with joyful repetition, challenges, the sound of hearty laughter, board books, adventures, messy meal times, silly songs, milestones, and lot of learning experiences for both of us. Felicity is an expert clapper, babbler, army-crawler, eater, and smiler. She is a novice waver, stander, and puller-upper. She puts everything in her mouth and loves to lick the concrete floors in our home (I just bought a steam mop to keep the floors clean so she can lick to her little heart's content!). She fills my life with so much joy that I wonder how my heart doesn't explode.

And then I remember the me from 2 years ago... the me who dreaded the upcoming holiday where mothers are celebrated. I was jealous, angry, and heart-broken that I was not a mother while seemingly all of my friends were. Everywhere I looked I saw pregnant women. I was devastated by our loss and terrified I would never conceive again. I was hurt by people's intrusive questions about when we were going to start a family... if they only knew how broken our hearts were. It was a dark time, and I didn't know how our story would continue. If you are where I was 2 years ago, please know that you are loved, and you are not forgotten or alone. I will grieve for you this Mother's Day. I hope you have the space to grieve, too.

To all of the mothers out there, and to my mommy, thank you for your selfless love for your children. Happy Mother's Day! You are appreciated and loved. And a very happy first Mother's Day to me - I am so thankful I get to approach it with joy instead of dread thanks to my sweet Felicity Marie.

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Today is Mother's Day, and I am missing my wonderful mother-in-law (aka Mom), Judy Marie Whitenton. She was a funny, passionate, kind, patient, generous, & beautiful woman, and she is missed every single day. To those of you who miss your moms this Mother's Day, my heart aches for you. I realize that the pang of loss is real every day... not just on Mother's Day. To my sweet husband, I am so sorry. There are no words...only tears.

2 comments:

Megan Grant said...

This is beautiful, vulnerable, and I am so happy to call you (the whole Waco Whitenton clan but especially you, Rachel) friend. Thank you for your bold writing and your compassionate voice on this complex holiday. Peace and Grace!

Rachel said...

Thank you, Megan. Hugs to you!